what keeps me going

As you can tell, I have not had any inspiration to write for a long time.  This summer I turned 40 and passed five and a half years of waiting for my daughter.  Just typing that makes me want to cry.  I still feel strongly that my girl is out there and we are indeed dreaming the same dream under the same moon, but at this point I also recognize what we are up against.  With nothing solid to rely on except my gut, I've decided to keep fighting in 2012.  If I don't get a referral by December 31, my dossier and my heart will remain there but I will spend what energy I have left pursuing other options.

It is tragic and absurd that I and thousands of other waiting families around the world are enduring years and years of emotional hell, waiting and wondering if we will ever be able to bring our children home, while orphans are growing up all over the world with no parents and little to no hope of a future.  Which brings me to Stuck, a new documentary about the broken adoption system from www.bothendsburning.org.  Please look out for it this fall, support it, and tell you family and friends to see it so that they too can understand the lunacy and help us change it.

I don't want my blog to be depressing, but to be honest it's difficult to write anything positive about my journey, the adoption system in general and, more importantly, the state of the world's orphans.  I guess the only positive thing I've got for you right now is that somewhere inside, I still believe that love can win, and that's what keeps me going after so many years fighting evil forces like greed, corruption, lies, politics, ignorance, discrimination, indifference, etc.

Sometimes when I think I can't do it anymore, I see or hear something that inspires me to get through another day of waiting.  I recently saw the Michael Jackson Immortal tour by Cirque du Soleil and they used this MJ quote in the show:

"In a world filled with hate, we must still dare to hope.  In a world filled with anger, we must still dare to comfort.  In a world filled with despair, we must still dare to dream.  And in a world filled with distrust, we must still dare to believe."

I think MJ was reminding me that love can still win.  In my own emotional world, there is a lot of hate and anger for those who stole my first adoption from me and caused much devastation.  There is also distrust for a system that has only gotten worse since then, and despair when I think about the possibility of not being able to adopt after all that I've been through.  But I have to hope, find comfort, dream, believe.

How, when the situation is so discouraging?  Well, there's a song that I've listened to about a billion times since I first heard it: A Thousand Years by Christina Perri.  It's actually a song about Edward and Bella from Twilight (ironically, they are falling apart right now in real life) but it expresses perfectly what's in my heart when I think about seeing my girl for the first time.

Heart beats fast
Colour and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer