I have a bit of Christmas cheer for those waiting for Vietnam! The Childrens Bridge agency in Canada finally got its first referral from the new "normal" stream in December. Also, according to one of the French blogs that I follow, a Spanish agency also got its first referral this month. Let's hope that the handful of referrals we've seen at the end of 2012 are just a preview of the many more in the months and years to come.
This year in particular, my thoughts cannot be anywhere except with the millions of orphans all over the world who are wishing for a family. So my song this week just has to be Steven Curtis Chapman's All I Want. Have your tissues ready before you watch! I wish you all a Merry Christmas. I also hope that the desire, commitment, faith and strength that have taken us this far will lead us all to our children next year.
All I really want for Christmas Is someone to tuck me in A shoulder to cry on if I lose Shoulders to ride on if I win There’s so much I could ask for But there’s just one thing I need All I really want for Christmas
Is someone who’ll be there To sing me “Happy Birthday” For the next 100 years And it’s OK if they’re not perfect Well, even if they’re a little broken, that’s alright ‘Cause so am I
My thoughts are with all the families affected by yesterday's horrible events. I love a child I don't even know on the other side of the planet, so I can't imagine the gravity of all the loss in Newtown. We will never make sense of this or other such acts, but we can make meaning of the lives lost--some just five years old-- by not allowing any more angry, deranged young men access to killing machines. There will always be evil people in our society, so let's make it as difficult as we can to put weapons, both legal and trafficked, in their hands. Because if people could only commit mass murder with a utility knife, they wouldn't.
I recently saw the movie Silver Linings Playbook, a crazy, brilliant dark comedy about two people who are looking for their silver lining after going through some really hard times. I love this quote:
This is what I believe to be true. You have to do everything you can and IF you stay positive you have a SHOT at a silver lining.
It's so relevant to my own crazy search for the silver lining. With December being my 71st month of waiting for my daughter, and this Christmas being my 5th one without her, not to mention the many other absurdities of the current situation, I'm filling my playbook with strategies for keeping healthy and sane and staying positive. At this point, this is what I believe about adoption. You have to do everything you can to realize your dream (more than you ever thought was humanly possible, in fact), and while you're doing that, somehow the universe is responding by slowly and surely (emphasis on the slowly) arranging the stars so that they align at the perfect moment to connect you with the child who is supposed to be yours. There are times when it's impossible to be positive, but during those times you have to pull out your playbook and make a strategy to get through them so you can get back to focusing on the silver lining.
Christmas is a particularly hard time for me as a waiting parent. Which is kind of funny, because I'm not really a christian. I suppose, since my Christmases have never been about religion, they've been about twinkly lights, trees, music, family, home, and the magic of Santa. All these years of not being able to share with my child those things that I loved so much when I was little is hard. It also sucks when year after year you say to yourself "I'll work through the holidays again this year so the people with children can take time off, but my reward will come next year." Add a closet full of presents covered with dust, including Spanish books for my Ecuadoran girl who was stolen from me almost four years ago by grinches named Hayhow et al., a crime for which there is still no punishment, but which I relive every day that I spend without a daughter. But worst of all is the absolute madness of a world where millions of children around the planet will spend this time of year again without a family, without magic, without hope, while the people who want to love them still wait desperately with silent, empty homes.
I hope Santa reads this, because although I know he can't bring me a daughter this year, I wish for the world to wake up and do something in the best interest of orphans. In the meantime, here's a page from my playbook--stockings hung for a family of three (green and peace for me, red and JOY for my girl, and a fish and Noel for Bebe the cat). Because that's my silver lining, and it will make all this pain worthwhile.
In my experience, adoption and thievery go hand in hand. After surviving the bankruptcies of Imagine and St. Anne Adoption in 2009, I knew I had to write a book about this unbelievable fight to find my daughter in the world. As I've been saying since then, life is still writing the story, and I'm not typing it until it until I know the ending and it's a happy one.
Well, I'm still fighting for my happy ending, but a few days ago someone in Nigeria hijacked my e-mail account, used it to spam everyone I have ever known, then DELETED ALL MY FOLDERS which held, among many other things, the entire history of this adoption. Not knowing whether they stole the folders, or just deleted them, or both, it has beel hell for the past few days trying to protect myself against identity theft. But that doesn't even matter compared to the history I lost. The entire story of my adoption as told by six years' worth of e-mail. The book I felt I was destined to write, which I was going to piece together with all those messages. Gone. And what was in it for them to wipe out anything besides the evidence of their crime in the "sent" folder? Nothing. But what were those folders worth to me? Priceless. In all these years I have been fighting for what is good and right and true in the world, I have met more evil than I ever imagined, and it just doesn't seem to stop. So much selfishness, thoughtlessness and greed.
Needless to say, I need a song. Lately I've been wearing out my playlist of inspirational songs (if one could wear out a digital file, that is). So yesterday morning I went shopping on itunes and I stumbled on buried treasure. His name is Tyrone Wells and he is a singer/songwriter from the Seattle area. How in the world did I not know about him before today, and how in the world doesn't everybody know about him??? In any case, I found this song, Give it Time, right when I needed it. I hope you will treat yourself to his many other songs/videos on youtube. I recommend Freedom, Sea Breeze, and Running Around in my Dreams, Happy as the Sun and And the Birds Sing....for starters. Thank heaven for people like this, who spread light and love, and make the world a better place. May goodness always win.
Switzerland's Helviet agency has posted that the 2nd child referred to them under Vietnam's new "regular" program is home.
Denmark's Danadopt agency reports that it has received an official referral from Hoa Binh for a family in round 1, although it seems that they had an unofficial match for a while (or at least this is what I can get out of the Danish-English translation).
In Canada, there seem to be two families with my agency who are travelling soon to meet their children. There is another TDH family who just brought home their twin baby girls. I was happy to read that their immigration paperwork was expedited so they can get the medical care they need in Canada right away.
Since November is Adoption Month, I spent some time last night looking for youtube videos on adoption that I could share with you. Given my waiting status, I couldn't watch the happy forever family videos; just the ones speaking to the absurdity of what is going on all over the world to keep all the other orphans from families who just want to love them.
This is Dear Panama. That was actually the first country I signed up for almost six years ago. I quickly switched to Ecuador after finding the Panama yahoo adoption group, where I was told that the program was not working, and that there hadn't been a referral for years (small details that the agency had failed to mention while my big fat cheques were in the mail). Little did I know that it didn't matter which country I picked, because Imagine/St. Anne was going to steal my family and my money so they could buy horses, diamonds, a Lexus and a trip to Disneyworld. Nonetheless, it is still a sight to see all these children looking through the barred windows and doors of institutions while many families would fly to the moon and back for the chance to love them.
This is an interview with Craig Juntunen, adoptive father of three kids from Haiti, visionary and founder of www.bothendsburning.org, which produced the documentary Stuck, on the broken international adoption system, which I would really like to watch but can't find anywhere.
And since we all need another song to keep us going, here's Unstoppable by Rascal Flatts. The video is the 2010 Olympic version, which is a bit different from the original lyrics, but both will inspire. I've had some really dark days in the past year or so, when I felt like I couldn't keep fighting for this adoption. This song is one of the things that got me through. Keep on believing, don't give in, and press Repeat as many times as you need!
Unstoppable
So, so you made a lot of mistakes Walked down the road a little sideways Cracked a brick when you hit the wall Yeah, you've had a pocketful of regrets Pulled you down faster than a sunset Hey, it happens to us all When the cold, hard rain just won't quit And you can't see your way out of it
You find your faith that's been lost and shaken You take back what's been taken Get on your knees and dig down deep You can do what you think is impossible Keep on believing, don't give in It'll come and make you whole again It always will, it always does Love is unstoppable
Love, it can weather any storm Bring you back to being born, again Oh, it's the helping hand When you need it most The lightouse shining on the coast That never goes dim When your heart is full of doubt And you think that there's no way out
You find your faith that's been lost and shaken You take back what's been taken Get on your knees and dig down deep You can do what you think is impossible Keep on believing, don't give in It'll come and make you whole again It always will, it always does Love is unstoppable
It's unstoppable
Like a river keeps on rollin' Like a north wind blowin' Don't it feel good knowin' Yeah--
You find your faith that's been lost and shaken You take back what's been taken Get on your knees and dig down deep You can do what you think is impossible Keep on believing, don't give in It'll come and make you whole again It always will, it always does Love is unstoppable
Love is unstoppable So, so you made a lot of mistakes Walked down the road a little sideways But love, love is unstoppable
The Danish agency Danadopt posted this on November 2 (they posted in Danish of course, so this is the google translation with a little help from me):
Ourfirst twofamiliesto receive a [normal] referral under Vietnams' new system recently brought their children home from the Hoa Sen orphanagein BinhThuan.They hada fine stayin PhanTietprovince. The process was the same as before the new law, and the familiesresidedin Vietnam foralmost 3weeks.
We havebeen informed thatmore Vietnamese children are being adopted within their own country. Thelongerreleaseperiod under the new law, during which the childrenmustbe advertisedin the mediafor 6 months,makeschildlessVietnamese families moreaware ofchildrenwho needa family, and they therefore seekto adopt.
Thereisstillnonews onwhen theDAwill hold the nextmatchingmeeting, after which new casesmay be sent tothe provinces, depending onhow many childrenarefree for international adoption.
Yes, as of today I've been waiting to adopt for se-ven-ty months. On this remarkable occasion, I'd like to take the opportunity to thank a few of those who helped me reach this milestone: Kevin Pickles, Sue and Rick Hayhow, Andrew Morrow, the executives at UNICEF, and the authors of the Hague convention. May karma bring you all what you deserve.
Speaking of UNICEF, I had someone come trick-or-treating last night with a big orange UNICEF bag. Part of me wanted to refuse him a treat and give him a lecture about how 1000s of orphans didn't get to go trick-or-treating with their forever families this year because they are being held hostage in their birth countries while their evil captor steamrolls over their hopes for a future....but he was only about eight and I couldn't not give him the smarties.
Well UNICEF must be hard at work in Vietnam because after the first few regular referrals trickled out for those families who had waited forever at the front of the line, the program just stopped. I haven't been able to find any information since my last post, but I did find a website from Ireland that could give a clue about what's going on everywhere else. These were both posted at the end of September on the Arc Adoption website:
Ireland isthefirstcountrytofullycooperatewithVietnamintheframeworkofthe Hague Convention. Currently,Justice MinistryofVietnamhas receivedthe requests ofmanycountries that are membersoftheHague Convention.Vietnamis consideringa comprehensiveroadmaptoexpandon child adoptioncooperationwithothermember countriesoftheHague Convention. Therefore, the document signed by twocentral adoption agencies of VietnamandIreland will opena new chapterinthefieldofinternationalcooperation onadoption– the stage ofmultilateralcooperation on protection of children and cooperationinthefieldofinternationaladoption.
As many people are aware, Monday September 24th 2012 marked the signing of a new Administrative Agreement between Vietnam and Ireland. ... The signing on Monday followed a family get-together at Farmleigh hosted by Minister for Children Frances Fitzgerald on Sunday afternoon, at which the Vietnamese delegation met many children adopted from Vietnam, and their families. At the event, the Vietnamese Minister of Justice, Mr. Ha Hung Cuong, noted that he hoped the new agreement would allow the submission of applications so that "in early 2013 Vietnamese children could be considered" for adoption by Irish prospective adoptive parents.
I don't get it. How can Ireland be the first Hague country to fully cooperate when agencies in Canada, Spain, Italy, Switzerland and Denmark received licences and referrals before them? Are countries allowed to operate in Vietnam without their central authority having signed an administrative agreement? Is Canada (i.e., Ontario, since Canada's central adoption authority is the provinces, which are neither singular nor central!?) also going to sign an agreement? Does it have to? And how would this change things? I assume that there is more "child protection" once a country signs an agreement?
Also, if Ireland -- which apparently has had 200 families stuck in Vietnam adoption limbo for a few years now, and is the first country to fully cooperate-- has to wait until early 2013 for its legacy families to be considered, what could that mean for the other countries?
Please let me know if you understand any of this. I have been studying the world of international adoption for, well, 70 months, and all I know for sure is that it's a hot broken mess that has little to do with child protection.
Until next time, here's another song that's helping me get through the mess: Josh Kelley's Naleigh Moon. Josh and his wife, actress Katherine Heigl, adopted Naleigh a few years ago from Korea. My favourite part? "Halfway around my little world you had no idea that you were my girl." Sniff. Good night.
My incessant digging has turned up 3 updates on Vietnam:
* The French agency Médecins du monde (MDM) has received 2 more "regular" referrals, bringing their total to 4 under the new system.
* The Italian agency CIFA posted on October 19 that it received its first 2 "regular" referrals under the new system.
* Children's Bridge (CB) in Canada is waiting for their quota from the DA (which is interesting, since my agency said many moons ago that Vietnam decided not to give any more quotas!?). CB is also looking at opening a special needs stream. Their contact person in Vietnam indicates that waiting children include those with HIV, cleft lip/cleft palate, hernia and missing or malformed hand or digits. This is also interesting, since a) I have been open to most of those needs, as well as many others, since I signed up for Vietnam 3 years ago, and b) the special needs stream was open the whole time that the "regular" stream was closed. It doesn't make sense to me that families who are open to various special needs wait for 3 years while matching children sit in orphanages all that time. Nor does it make sense that an additional agency is going to open a special needs stream when there are a number of agencies already working in this stream, yet apparently unable (not a judgment, just an observation) to connect waiting children with the families waiting for them. I guess I shouldn't be surprised when things don't make sense....considering what I have seen, lived and learned over the past 6 years.
Does anyone else hate the word "wait" as much as I do? Stay tuned for more on that topic...and keep on swimming.
This is the Vietnam update in the TDH October newsletter, which was posted today:
"During this quarter, TDH Ontario has completed 6 special needs adoptions, bringing the total for this year so far to 11. We have received proposals of 2 children from List 1. There is one other special needs child in process, and 4 other families have indicated their readiness to proceed with particular special needs children. We are seeking families for about 10 other special needs children."
And since you may need a little encouragement, here's Jack Johnson's "In the morning", which is a beautiful love song he wrote for his kids. I can't wait for the day when I sit on the edge of of my girl's bed with my guitar, sending her to sleep with this song, looking at her and thinking "so much JOY I'm afraid to be swept away, upstream there's a spring that brings in the new day".
Keep swimming.
In the Morning
So much love
The kids are laughing in their sleep
Swimming through their dreams into the morning
So peaceful all the stories that we're told
Lead them through the night back from the shadows
So much joy every little girl and boy
Even better when they wake up tomorrow
So much love
In their little missing teeth
Gonna miss you till we meet again in the morning
So much peace in their pitter-patter feet
Any open eyes can see that minds are reaching
So much joy
I'm afraid to be swept away
Upstream there's a spring that brings in the new day
I've been looking around for news since my last post, and here's what I could find:
1) According to one the bloggers in my list on the right, the French agency Médecins du monde / MDM recently received two referrals from Vietnam's "regular" stream.
2) The Danish agency Danadopt posted yesterday in Danish that they are still waiting to hear when they can send more dossiers to Vietnam, but they expect "hostcountriesmeetingin late November/early December" (google translation of the second part of the post). I assume this refers to the Vietnamese DA, which would make sense given that I have read elsewhere about these new DA meetings in which decisions are made about distributing waiting dossiers and accepting new ones.
In related news, I was told by my agency that it could be a long time before round 2 (including my dossier) receives referrals...possibly towards mid-2013. Danadopt seems to be expecting things to happen faster than my agency does. If round 1 was sent to the DA about 6 months ago, and to date we only know of a dozen or so referrals, then it could take a number more months to complete round 1 referrals. Let's say it takes 6 more months... that brings us to April 2013 for the beginning of round 2. Let's say round 2 takes a year.... we're at April 2014 for the start of round 3. So maybe my agency is being realistic. Even if the DA accepts dossiers for round 3 anytime soon, they could be sitting in a centralized pile for a long time. It's better than sitting in Canada, where the families would have to keep updating their document$. But honestly, the pace sucks (understatement of the year) for everyone involved, especially children growing older in orphanages while loving families wait desperately all over the world to give them a better life.
Of course anything can change, and I hope with all my heart that it does, but I wouldn't count on things speeding up, based on how things have gone since September 2010. I think that families should be prepared (if not by the appropriate people, then by me) for alot more waiting. Better to be prepared for the worst and then maybe pleasantly surprised by something better, than to have false expectations that don't come true. Trust me on that one.
Until next time, here is the song that has taken me through the last few days, written by Jason Mraz and covered by two gorgeous and talented young girls. For me, this is a love song about my daughter, so hearing it performed by little girls with big old souls (which is how I imagine my girl) and an acoustic guitar makes me tear up with all kinds of emotions. I hope it gives you inspiration, because even though our skies are rough we have to keep looking up and send all our love to the other side of the planet, where things are much more rough.
I Won't Give Up
When I look into your eyes It's like watching the night sky Or a beautiful sunrise There's so much they hold And just like them old stars I see that you've come so far To be right where you are How old is your soul?
I won't give up on us Even if the skies get rough I'm giving you all my love I'm still looking up
And when you're needing your space To do some navigating I'll be here patiently waiting To see what you find
'Cause even the stars they burn Some even fall to the earth We've got a lot to learn God knows we're worth it No: I won't give up
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am
I won't give up on us Even if the skies get rough I'm giving you all my love I'm still looking up, still looking up.
I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up) God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved) We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved) God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)
I won't give up on us Even if the skies get rough I'm giving you all my love I'm still looking up
Two families with my agency that recently received referrals (1 special needs program, 1 regular program) have posted that they will be travelling to Vietnam "within a month"!!
Similar news has been posted on the Danadopt agency website in Denmark: "We are pleasedto announcethat the twofamilieswho accepted a childin August,have beenasked totravelto Vietnam toretrieve the child.Familiesshould arrivein about14 days."
This is an amazing development, considering I know of a family that had to wait about a year to travel for their child with a serious medical need during Vietnam's transition period. Finally, magic and miracles are happening!
I was happy today to read on Francesca's blog that our agency, TDH, has received another referral from the regular program, for a girl just over two years old. With each referral for round 1, I feel that I'm getting a little closer to having my round 2 dossier assigned to a province for matching. Who knows, really, but that's how I keep sane.
My patience has been thin this past week (I don't know how much one could possibly have after 5 years, 8 months and 3 weeks), but Alanis Morissette has been my Guardian. When I first heard this song, I thought it was about being a mom (keeper for life, warrior of care, angel on call). Then I saw the video and I thought maybe it was about looking after any of the people you love. Then I read the lyrics and figured it must be about a higher power. The more I listen, the more I don't know what she means (thank you, Alanis, for brilliant lyrics that make people think and feel so much). And, the more I DO know that every word is resonating with me at this moment in my life as I deal with the pain of my first adoption and this inhumane wait, and long to be my daughter's keeper for life.
I hope this song inspires other waiting parents out there. We all need to be there for one another, keep holding on, and have faith that someone greater is watching over us and our children.
Guardian
You, you who has smiled when you’re in pain
You who has soldiered through the profane
They were distracted and shut down
So why, why would you talk to me at all
Such words were dishonorable and in vain
Their promise as solid as a fog
And where was your watchman then
I’ll be your keeper for life as your guardian
I’ll be your warrior of care your first warden
I’ll be your angel on call, I’ll be on demand
The greatest honor of all, as your guardian
You, you in the chaos feigning sane
You who has pushed beyond what’s humane
Them as the ghostly tumbleweed
And where was your watchman then
I’ll be your keeper for life as your guardian
I’ll be your warrior of care your first warden
I’ll be your angel on call, I’ll be on demand
The greatest honor of all, as your guardian
Now no more smiling mid crestfall
No more managing unmanageables
No more holding still in the hailstorm
Now enter your watchwoman
I’ll be your keeper for life as your guardian
I’ll be your warrior of care your first warden
I’ll be your angel on call, I’ll be on demand
The greatest honor of all, as your guardian
Sangria to celebrate good news from Spain, from the ACI agency. For some reason I'm not able to copy and paste the translation of their post, but I can tell you that they have received 3 referrals from Vietnam.
Thanks for the comment Francesca! I'm adding spumanti to celebrate Italy's NAAA (agency? association?), which received its "first referrals" for round 1 from Vietnam on September 18. I am in round 2 but none of those dossiers have left the DA yet, and I am told it could take months. Nonetheless, I am happy tonight for Italy and Spain, and the children who will finally have forever homes in those wonderful countries.
An empty wallet seems fitting for the bad news: the fee that Vietnam is now charging families for orphanage care is $3000 (paid to the DA). I understand that the DA is also allowing orphanages to request additional funds from us, that they vary by location, and that they are higher than in the past. I don't have any more information than this, but if anyone knows or learns more, please let me know.
(Thanks to the people who posted these photos that I got from Google images. I hope they're not copyrighted because, as you have just read, I can't afford to pay you. Maybe I could have, back in the days when international adoption was "just" $15K or $20K, but then in 2009 Imagine Adoption "allegedly" stole everything from me and I had to start all over again, and over the past three years the cost has exploded. I used "allegedly" there not because they didn't steal everything from me, but because they haven't been convicted yet and, knowing them, they would sue me for not using "allegedly". Actually, I don't know why I am concerned about their suing me--I'm no longer worth anything.)
This is where I want to be, metaphorically (FYI I'm terrified of heights and I like my nature flat):
on the top of my Mount Everest, finally able to exclaim into my oxygen mask a quote like this one:
"I've come to believe that all my past failure and frustration were actually laying the foundation for the understandings that have created the new level of living I now enjoy." -Tony Robbins
But instead this is where I am:
feeling tired and frustrated, like a salmon swimming upstream to spawn... for the past 68 months. I know that this week is the crash after last week's high of learning about the first few referrals out of Vietnam. I also know, after surviving what I did in 2009, that I can get through this and pretty much anything else. I'm trying to keep the faith that this journey is leading me to my girl, the one that was always meant to be mine, the one that will allow me to understand why I have to go through all this. But it's really tough to do without any progress in my case or any sense of a timeline. I'm calling on the Dragon God tonight to give me a sign that my girl is coming home. In the meantime, I'll keep trying to swim.
I'm just going to re-post news that others posted on their blogs that are listed to the right (but it's definitely information worth repeating at this point!!) My agency, TDH, received its first referral from Vietnam last week under the new "regular" program. A Quebec agency, Formons une famille, told its waiting families last week that some families whose dossiers were sent to Vietnam in spring 2012 (as mine was) may have been matched recently, but they cannot confirm this until they receive official referrals from the DA. That agency has also been asked to submit new dossiers.
I feel like I can see the light, but my own words can't explain what that is like after seeing the heart of darkness. So tonight let's re-JOY-ce with the words of Thich Nhat Hanh--for the families:
"Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.”
and for my girl:
"Through my love for you, I want to express my love for the whole cosmos, the whole of humanity, and all beings. By living with you, I want to learn to love everyone and all species. If I succeed in loving you, I will be able to love everyone and all species on Earth... This is the real message of love.”
Yesterday I returned home from my summer vacation, a cruise on the Holland America Veendam from Manhattan to Bermuda, which is one of my favourite places on the planet. We sailed out of Manhattan on a perfect Sunday evening, and had an amazing view of the new World Trade Center under construction (black scaffolding around the top), as well as Lady Liberty:
When I think about New York City, images of September 11, 2001, automatically come to mind. This was my first time being in the city since before 9/11, and I was really moved to see this incredible tower rising high above the skyline. From the ashes of unfathomable tragedy, this phoenix is rising more than a decade later. And if something that difficult is possible in the world, it must also be possible that out of my own personal tragedy of having my family taken from me, I will triumph. I just cannot give up, no matter how long it's been and how hard it is to keep fighting the dark side.
I am happy to be able to report a bit of news from the light side: I returned home to read a post from another Canadian blogger, who wrote that her agency, Formons une famille in Quebec, got its first referral from Vietnam's new program for a child in HCMC. After years of no news or bad news, good things are actually happening. They started in Denmark, and they're on their way here. They are going to keep happening and my agency will get a referral, my dossier will be sent to a province, my girl will be referred to me, I will bring her home, and we will live the life of our dreams together. This is just how it has to go. Because we've both been through enough, and now it's time for what is good and right. It's time for love, and not just for us, but for many other children in Vietnam who need it, and for their families who keep dreaming that it's possible.
It's been a hard week and I have no news, except for an update on the court case of two of the three people who stole my family from me, but I don't have what it takes to get into that tonight (or maybe ever). Instead, I'm giving my last bit of energy to all the waiting families everywhere who, like me, are feeling like your dream may never come true. We must NEVER GIVE UP....
Don't give up, keep on moving
You're gonna get there, just keep on grooving
Don't give up, don't pack it in
Try and try, and you will in
Don't give up, no no no
Don't give up, no no no
Don't give up, no no no
Don't give up, no no, don't give up
-Bruno Mars
AND KEEP FIGHTING
If you fall pick yourself up off the floor (get up)
Early this morning in the waiting-for-Vietnam blogosphere, I read in three different spots that a family (possibly two?) in Denmark has received a referral. I don't know where the bloggers got this information— they all live in Quebec and I doubt that any of them can read Danish—but I hope it's true. If so, this is the first sign of life since September 2010 from the "regular" program (i.e., the program that was supposed to re-open in May 2011 but has been closed all this time and is expected to change to the opposite of regular, which is supposed to be the new regular). I have been so, so desperate for a sign that I shouldn't give up yet.
Later this morning in my office, I found my beloved "dreaming under the same moon" necklace on the floor. I hadn't been able to find it for weeks. When it went missing I figured it was just another sign that I would never get my daughter, which certainly fit my emotional state at that time. So when my necklace just appeared again today, after the news from Denmark, I had to wonder: are the stars finally, finally starting to align?
As you can tell, I have not had any inspiration to write for a long time. This summer I turned 40 and passed five and a half years of waiting for my daughter. Just typing that makes me want to cry. I still feel strongly that my girl is out there and we are indeed dreaming the same dream under the same moon, but at this point I also recognize what we are up against. With nothing solid to rely on except my gut, I've decided to keep fighting in 2012. If I don't get a referral by December 31, my dossier and my heart will remain there but I will spend what energy I have left pursuing other options.
It is tragic and absurd that I and thousands of other waiting families around the world are enduring years and years of emotional hell, waiting and wondering if we will ever be able to bring our children home, while orphans are growing up all over the world with no parents and little to no hope of a future. Which brings me to Stuck, a new documentary about the broken adoption system from www.bothendsburning.org. Please look out for it this fall, support it, and tell you family and friends to see it so that they too can understand the lunacy and help us change it.
I don't want my blog to be depressing, but to be honest it's difficult to write anything positive about my journey, the adoption system in general and, more importantly, the state of the world's orphans. I guess the only positive thing I've got for you right now is that somewhere inside, I still believe that love can win, and that's what keeps me going after so many years fighting evil forces like greed, corruption, lies, politics, ignorance, discrimination, indifference, etc.
Sometimes when I think I can't do it anymore, I see or hear something that inspires me to get through another day of waiting. I recently saw the Michael Jackson Immortal tour by Cirque du Soleil and they used this MJ quote in the show:
"In a world filled with hate, we must still dare to hope. In a world filled with anger, we must still dare to comfort. In a world filled with despair, we must still dare to dream. And in a world filled with distrust, we must still dare to believe."
I think MJ was reminding me that love can still win. In my own emotional world, there is a lot of hate and anger for those who stole my first adoption from me and caused much devastation. There is also distrust for a system that has only gotten worse since then, and despair when I think about the possibility of not being able to adopt after all that I've been through. But I have to hope, find comfort, dream, believe.
How, when the situation is so discouraging? Well, there's a song that I've listened to about a billion times since I first heard it: A Thousand Years by Christina Perri. It's actually a song about Edward and Bella from Twilight (ironically, they are falling apart right now in real life) but it expresses perfectly what's in my heart when I think about seeing my girl for the first time.
Heart beats fast
Colour and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer
I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
On Saturday night I went to the Embassy of Vietnam's Tet (lunar new year) celebration. I met up with my single male adopting friend, and we spent the evening explaining that we are adopting....separately! It was a good time with free-flowing wine, amazing food, and lots of nice people to meet. The year of the cat has not been my year, maybe I can blame it on being a rat, but rats are supposed to fare well in dragon years, so will this be the one? If there is a dragon god up there somewhere, he will not let me turn 40 or live through another Christmas without my girl.
This weekend I got a bit of much-needed reassurance about my case. I still don't know when Vietnam will re-open for "regular" cases (under the new law, it seems that irregular is the new regular and the old regular is no more), nor do I know if mine will be regular, irregular, or both. But I'm done my paperwork, I don't have to change anything or spend any money to do so, my request is wide open and, dragon god willing, the roller coaster will stop once my dossier finally, finally makes it to a province.
I've been learning a little about the significance of dragons in Vietnamese culture. I came across this proverb that I love:
“Con rồng, cháu tiên”: “child of dragons, grandchild of immortals”.
According to legend, the Vietnamese people are descended from the union of the dragon Lạc Long Quân and the immortal Âu Cơ. They had a hundred children together, but because they were so different (he was a dragon from the deep seas, she was an immortal and only felt at home in the mountains), they ended up separating. Lạc Long Quân, summoned home by his mother, took half the children and went towards the sea; Âu Cơ took the other half into the mountains.
I just spent the first afternoon of the new year exactly where I needed to be: in an Oprah's Lifeclass marathon! I love this show on the OWN network and while I had already seen all the episodes, I could watch them 100 times and get more out of them each time. One of the episodes shown today was "everyone has a calling". O said that being a mother is the highest calling, and that answering your calling will bring positive energy to all the other parts of your life. It made me wonder: if this adoption is my calling, why is the universe making it so difficult to answer? Is it supposed to be this hard to achieve what I know in my heart is my passion and my destiny? And why do other things, like my new job, come so effortlessly, without even wanting or trying? Maybe the universe knew that I was going crazy waiting for my family, and it also knew that the wait wasn't going to end anytime soon, so it threw me a distraction? Or, maybe it knew that my professional calling was to do and be more than I was, but I was too emotionally exhausted to try?
In any case, it has been very hard to get through the holidays with no news or information from Vietnam. If that hasn't been enough, I have also been stuck in mid-update the whole time. Yesterday, with no answers to my questions about Vietnam, and the days ticking away, I made a decision about my request and sent it off. If I have learned anything from this five-year nightmare, it's to go with my gut. If my gut is wrong and this decision causes a mess a month or two from now, well, what's another mess at this point? I won't be shocked. What would shock me is if it ended up working to my advantage!
Going back to O, she often says "This is what I know for sure." Well, this is what I know for sure: that 2012 HAS to be better than 2011 for Vietnam adoptions. I also know that this year can only bring me closer than the last to my girl. Finally, I know that this is my calling and I will continue to fight as long as necessary to create my family the way I know is right for me.
